After experiencing a trauma you can sometimes feel that your faith is shaken. Do questions arise such as why did this happen to me? Or Why didn’t the divine protect me? The reality is that these questions may never really be answered. Or perhaps they may be answered in a way that you do not expect them to be. These questions may lead to a questioning of faith or a sense that it is shaken. Having faith means a lot of different things for people. Some may believe that everything has a purpose. Some may believe it is all random. Whether or not you feel trust in the divine, even after trauma, is about your journey and no else.
My Story
When I was a child, I experienced trauma that changed my perception of the divine and affected my life. I experienced physical and mental abuse in the home and sexual abuse at the hands of my God Father, my best friend's grandfather. I remember a tv program that told children to report abuse to a parent, teacher, or priest. Due to some bruising on my face the school reported to CPS. Unfortunately, when they questioned my stepfather, he convinced them that it was not abuse. I was punished for it. As I believed that my mother knew about it, and my teachers knew, I decided to report to the catholic priest that was in the church I went to with my best friend. His reaction was to tell me that it was my fault because I was not behaving properly and to explain that as a female I was born of original sin. To my knowledge, he did not report the abuse and I was too afraid to speak about it for another two years. What he told me damaged my faith in the Christian God. I believed that my behavior had something to do with why God was mad at me, so I strived to be a perfect child hoping that the abuse would stop. It wasn’t until my mom left my stepdad that I finally told her about my godfather’s sexual abuse. He was arrested and pleaded guilty. He served two years before receiving compassionate release. I was very angry at the Christian God and the authorities for releasing him.
I held my Christian beliefs for many years into early adulthood. It was warped by what the priest had planted in my mind, however. I developed OCD, depression, and had night terrors. All with the overlaying feeling that I was displeasing to the Christian God. I distanced myself from the catholic church and started going to the Protestant church. I did not find peace. I held a lot of anger, self-blame, and fear. It was during this During this time, I'm of being a pagan. I dreamed that I was a herbalist healing people with the love of the Goddess. I began feeling her presence in my life but was so afraid of the Christen God that it took me many years to embrace her. I feared that it was true that Christianity was the only path to salvation, that I was not worthy of love, that I had been punished, and that believing in the Goddess would put me in hell. I felt her presence in my life and even though I was afraid I began to embrace her. It was a gradual thing and it started with the process of loving myself.
Loving yourself
When trauma has scarred you, loving yourself is not an easy road. However, it is a worthy path to take. I first began the journey of loving myself with self-forgiveness. I realized that I loved others in my life and that if they were worthy of love, so was I. I had realized that I was not a bad person because of my behavior or because I was a female. I wrote a letter to my mom. It was honestly an angry letter and although I wrote it to her it was for me. For the first time, I accepted that I was angry. Accepting this made me realize that my faith was my own and that I had the power to decide what I believed and what I did not. I had always been told that forgiving your abusers would set you free of the emotions that they hold over you. I do believe this to be true. However, it was forgiving myself that led me to the path of my faith.
I began journaling about my feelings. All of them. Anger, frustration, confusion, and fear. Becoming aware of negative thoughts and replacing them with loving thoughts about myself. You can create a mantra to repeat when a negative thought about yourself comes up. You don’t have to think of things like sunshine and rainbows, telling yourself you are perfect when you don’t believe that. Consider telling yourself things like “ I am angry, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.” Or “ Accepting myself is all right”. “ I love other people, it is ok to love myself too”.
Self Care
This of course did not solve all my problems but it did get me to start thinking about the reality of the situation. Self-love is bolstered by self-care. Self-care is about looking into yourself and exploring what you feel. Taking care of your basic needs such as eating healthier, keeping up on hygiene, and getting enough sleep. I had to reset my sleeping patterns and quiet my mind with evening meditations. You can also try prayer and ritual, and become aware of negative thoughts but not engage in them. Accepting what you feel is all right and that you are a worthy person of love no matter what has happened to you, or how you handled the situation. I can tell you that you are not at fault for the trauma you have experienced but you have to believe that on your own and in your own time. Be patient with yourself. Although it may be difficult, a regular meditation practice can help with this. Open and honest prayer on how you feel can also help. Even if your faith is shaken, speaking up with the divine on your feelings can help you process your thoughts.
Forgiving Others
Once you have built a bit of foundation you can explore forgiving others that were involved in your trauma. As an adult, the things that made simple logic to me as a child were tempered by the truth of how much I didn’t know. Namely the perspectives of those around me during that time. Some of them didn’t know what was going on. Some of them may have been afraid to act or in denial about what was going on. Whatever their reasons for not taking more action, or not doing the right thing such as the priest not reporting, it's not your responsibility to solve. Nor is it on you to solve why abusers abuse. You do not have to forgive the perpetrator of your trauma. However, you have that as a choice. It's not about them, it’s about you choosing not to carry the burden of it anymore. It won’t mean forgetting or accepting what they did or did not do. It simply means letting go of its hold on you. The truth of it is, you can’t change them or the past.
How I forgave the perpetrator of the sexual abuse
I have a friend that does shamanic work and she did what is called soul retrieval for me. We went deep into the journey with music and drums. Deep into the subconscious. I had believed that something was attached to me because of my nightmares. From this soul journey, I discovered that one of my abusers that had died wanted forgiveness. I wasn’t sure if I believed in the journey but something came to me as I explored my feelings on the matter. I do believe in reincarnation. I thought of the abuser being reborn. I thought of him as a child, new in the world and without the knowledge of his past. I realized I would not want that innocent child to go through what I did. This is how I came to forgive him. I forgave his soul.
Forgiving the Divine
One of the questions I ask myself about the Christian God is do I still believe in him at all. I do. So I also began the process of forgiving him. I don’t believe the Gods are omniscient. I know that in the Christian faith there are many ways of how someone might perceive his role in the things that happen. For some, it may be that we all have free will. Some people abuse that privilege and use their will upon others. Such as an abuser. Some believe that the Christian God controls everything and is therefore responsible ultimately for the actions of others. Whatever you believe will be true to you. No one can tell you how to believe. Not a priest, not a book, not your family or friends. The journey is your own. It's ok to feel anger, frustration, and confusion even toward a God. I can only speak from my experience. To me, it took time and a lot of self-reflection to come to my forgiveness of the divine. Mine came in believing in the Goddess and then forgiving the Christian God. My personal belief is that faith is about trust. I had to let go of the trauma and trust that it was all right to do so. It's not a straight line from point A to point B. It takes some detours. It might not ever be perfect and that is ok. You do not have to be perfect and it may be a lifelong process. Trusting in yourself and accepting your feelings for what they are, gives you control over your own story.
Speak your truth
I invite you to speak your truth. Maybe that means praying, maybe that means finding help like therapy, or a coach. Maybe it means writing a book or just talking with others who have experienced the same things that you have. Whatever that looks like for you. Being an advocate for others may also be a part of your process. Such as participating in a cause related to your trauma or even other types of trauma. You can join a counseling group or even lead one. Donating to a cause regularly. Volunteering such as working with animals. Getting involved in community projects like Habitat for Humanity. Volunteering at a community center.
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